Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it