Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I gave up carbs four minutes ago and seven people are dead.
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IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*A coyote bites my leg in front of a girl I like but I wanna seem cool so I just keep walking and take it with me*