@givesnoerection

I gave up carbs four minutes ago and seven people are dead.

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@DaddyJew

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

@theroyaltramp

IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.

@Donna_McCoy

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

@reallifemommy3

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

@thegoodgodabove

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

@jeffswarens

By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something

@Grommit56

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

@thenatewolf

*A coyote bites my leg in front of a girl I like but I wanna seem cool so I just keep walking and take it with me*