I gave up going to work for lent.
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.