Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

it’s finally my moment to shine

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*