I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
