I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…