I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Good point.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.