I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Sunday
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant