I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT