I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
You Might Also Like
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
become ungovernable
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good