I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
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Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks