“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
B
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds