Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

If you stepped on Cap’n Crunch that would make you a cereal killer.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.