Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

Realize this:

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Oh my god

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there