Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

me when i see my girls butt

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.