Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.