I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
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[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
adam and eve had first world problems
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside