I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
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[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I don’t think my car can fly
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!