*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
#IWishIHadNever noticed
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day