*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I’m not sorry.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.