*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.