*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

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dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess


Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word


“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”


Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call


Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.


When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.


“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.


I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…