*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
😆this is so true
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life