I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin