I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
You Might Also Like
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*cough*
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.