I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree