I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*