genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce