@TheTweetOfGod

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

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@bobvulfov

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

@SpenceDen

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

@LizHackett

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

@TheThomason

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

@xLiserx

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

@sixfootcandy

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@BigJDubz

I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce