I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now


If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.


A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.


Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.


Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.


My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.


Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce