I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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It was worth a shot 😂
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Whoops
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
#Thanos #MondayMood
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.