Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

I saw nothing

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.