I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
You Might Also Like
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Jail
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
never deleting this app.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.