I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
You Might Also Like
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Do not steal food from the science building!
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.