I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.