I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
You Might Also Like
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.