I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
You Might Also Like
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
