I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
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*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.