Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Said the murderer.

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Okay

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane