Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Well, that should do it

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

LOL

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.