Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

My neck my back my allergy attack

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie