Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it