Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

My what?

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

thanksgiving should be called feaster

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U