I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
You Might Also Like
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.