Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.