I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
A wise man once said nothing.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises