I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
You Might Also Like
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Oh hi lol
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.