I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
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Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.