Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW