i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Bringing back this classic
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Why is no one talking about this?!
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves