i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
This week’s mood.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.