i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Sharon, call the vet
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I forgot how to panic. Help
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me