i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m sorry…what?
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
my dog when i have a friend over
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd