Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness