Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!