I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
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While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?