I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
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“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I need to get some bricks…
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.