Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

The 30 other team’s fans watching the Super Bowl

– I hope they both lose

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

Great game to play with friends

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles