I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.