I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.