Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

good morning

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

estão todos miauvindo?

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Weirdly Wednesday.

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween