[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now