Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

🙀🙀🙀😹

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.