Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.