[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
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yeah no that’s fair
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
wtf is an acronym
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor