[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
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Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.