I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
my sentiments exactly
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Doctors texting each other.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole