I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
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Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard