I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Who does Amazon think I am?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.