I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
he chose this
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt