I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt