(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit