@TrueTorontoGirl

I get carried away sometimes.

Because I refuse to leave.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

@lecalabara

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

@Darlainky

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

@Jacksawyerr

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

@QwertyJones3

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

@EvilPandaX

I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

@bornmiserable

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries