But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I get carried away sometimes.
Because I refuse to leave.
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
“I don’t care,” I say, slowly developing an ulcer
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries