I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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Left at a local drug store…
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!