it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.