Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Ovenable?

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace