I get disoriented driving more than a few feet with my car’s backup camera, so I get it, pilots who crash, I totally get it.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
IT’S-A ME,
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?