I get distracted pretty eas
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Who says great literature is dead?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Incredible customer service.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”