I get distracted pretty eas
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
That’s no pocket rocket.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus